Wilderness Wisdom
We were laughing, sharing salads, and stories. I hadn’t been with my friend for a very long time. She was the healthiest I had ever known her to be—tending to her physical health with new habits around food, exercise, and alcohol; tending to her spiritual health with a new faith community and a renewed commitment to spiritual practices.
I mentioned to her that the concept of “wilderness” had been tumbling around in my heart and my brain as I prepare for upcoming retreats. Then I asked her, “When have you had a wilderness experience?” “Oh I am just coming out of one” she said. “Tell me more.” I responded.
After years of feeling unappreciated and unsupported in her vocation, after the death of her mother, my friend spiraled into numbing herself with food and alcohol. Like many of us, the pandemic wreaked havoc on her exercise routine. Miserable, but unable to see a way forward, she binged at the banquet of resentment and anger. God seemed distant, family seemed unsupportive, work was hell. A creative soul, hers was stagnant and stale. Then came the wake up call. A serious physical event jolted her into realizing she was squandering her precious breath. Her medical team supported her with healthy strategies. She poured creativity into her new faith community, they gratefully received the gift. Like that “Water Wheel of Love” image of the Trinity, she loved the community, they loved her back, it was mutually generative.
“Wow. I am so sorry you went through all of that.” I said. “I’m not.” She immediately replied. I leaned forward waiting for more. “I’m not glad I was in a toxic work environment. I miss my mom every day. But those years in the wilderness gathered my strength. I am more resilient and have a new appreciation of, and perspective on, life.” Listening to my friend inspired me to reevaluate my own life choices and habits. Then she concluded, “I had been taking my husband for granted. After working on reconciliation, we are in a beautiful season.”
I wondered what new she had learned about God. “I can look back now and see, even when I felt abandoned, God was present with me, nudging me forward. I had to get to the place where I couldn’t figure it out on my own to surrender to asking for God’s help. It took me being still long enough to see, God had been there all along. Loving me all along.”
For most of my friend’s career, accolades have been showered upon her. Not so during the wilderness time. Absent exterior affirmation, she tuned her heart to the fixed point of the Creator, foregoing what was popular for what was real and true for her.
I hope you will be able to join me at The Episcopal Church of the Nativity this Saturday, February 25th for Embracing Wilderness a Lenten Retreat. Or, in gorgeous Inverness, CA at St. Columba’s Retreat Center for a Women’s Retreat May 19-21.
